The Sad Tale of a Red Velvet Muffin
by Alice Morgan
I had my wisdom tooth removed. It was something I was dreading since I was a teenager, which is one of the reasons I still had all four. My thought process was, “If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it.” Unfortunately, one of them decided to come up and say “hi!”, and it got impacted.* It didn’t hurt, but it was annoying, so off I went to oral surgery. Yay! Everything went well, and a few days later I returned to work. I was living on apple sauce, yogurt, soup and pain killers for days, and I couldn’t decide what to eat. I didn’t want to eat soup again, so I thought maybe I could tackle a muffin. Muffins are soft, right?
It was just me and the red velvet muffin, the two of us in the breakroom eyeing one another with great intensity.
Will I be able to eat it?
…and then I failed, because the outer crust of a muffin is a lot harder then I remembered. Fear not! I also remembered there was a box of utensils on the counter, just a few feet away! So I go there to get a fork or something and what do I see? All the forks and spoons are gone, and there are only knives! WHY? It was full the day before, so my theory is that some dickwaffle took them, or threw them out of spite. So there I was, forkless and sad, all my red velvet dreams crushed… but then I was like fuck it, and took a knife. Have you ever tried to eat a muffin with a knife? It’s not easy. I cut the pastry into tiny cubes that were destined to crumble into pieces, and then I ate the crumbs of off the knife… and looked classy while doing it. My only regret is I couldn’t take a picture, because my phone died, (naturally), so I drew this instead.
Don’t take chewing for granted!
* you don’t necessarily have to have an impacted wisdom tooth removed. Depending on your situation you can opt for antibiotic treatment, etc. I decided to have it removed because I figured it was just going to be a problem in the future.